I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I was bored.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
only 11 steps left
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES