I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die