Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Happy Halloween 🎃

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.