I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.