Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

i did the math

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday