Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one likes gloating

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

middle school in the ’90s

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her