Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.