I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
You Might Also Like
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk