Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Why am I like this?

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

HR said no more nunchucks.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.