I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Blocked: 1985
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
this site is so cooked lol
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
All is fair in drunk and war.