I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand