@skittle624

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

You Might Also Like

@a_venezuelan19

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

@portmanteauface

Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons

@impaulmccoy

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@Hobo_Splendido

Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?

@KonaSlater

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

@XplodingUnicorn

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.