To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids
Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Her: Want to have sex?
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Can Happiness buy money?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.