I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.


Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons


God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row


If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.


Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.


Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?


The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress


God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.