I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
