I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Kids, do not try this at home!
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder