I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”