I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it