I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The funk soul brother
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
me after i passed that state trooper
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
me in a relationship:
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
