Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.