Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

😁

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

yea so i messed up lol

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

somebody come look at this

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*