I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
the last thing a carrot sees
