Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.