I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.