I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]