Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.