Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.