Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

This is not me but this is me

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.