Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Wait for it

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK