I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.