Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.