I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Does beer think about me too?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.