I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
😤😤
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
i feel so bad i refunded him
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Children of the Corn Man