“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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if a staircase can spiral so can i.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I am crying
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.