“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
happy valentine’s day to me
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.