i’m still crying at this
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Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Hamburger Hinderer.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
sin harder.
