Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Finally

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”