Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

🙄

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get