I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me too door. Me too.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!