I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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when dads have a rap battle
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
bugs when you lift up a rock
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Bringing home a sharpie
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.