I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You Might Also Like
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.