Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

absolutely not

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them