Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”