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@theleanover: I'm still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
@chrisdelia: I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane...
Stewardess - Are you a comedian?
Me - Yes
Her - I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
@kimtopher22: My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He's 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn't get better.
@weinerdog4life: HO_SE BOAT
I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
@AYYSIAN: Me: "I want to go on a diet." Food: "LOL no."
@TheRolo: *Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*