GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.