I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.