I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing