I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
based al yankovic
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no