I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Always…
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
sometimes we need to be reminded
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi