I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
This makes total sense…
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
