I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
You Might Also Like
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.