Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Bringing back this classic

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

The Eggorcist