Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Guy who likes music

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

Traveler’s camo

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Ok but actually

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

This headline is a thing of beauty

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary