Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”