I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable