I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope