Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?