I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁