I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
sweet dreams💖
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat