I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here