Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

🤣

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes