I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.