I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Well, this certainly took a turn
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.