Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped