I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Rather alarming headline…
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark