i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“you recording!?”
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
meanwhile over on facebook
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.