i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You Might Also Like
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”