Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.