i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The internet is magic sometimes.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do