I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
That time Alicia messaged me
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
don’t be scared
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348