I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
can’t catch a break
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani