I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Anyone want a chair?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth