Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No