I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Sir!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank